A Closer Look at Grief and Loss

Since its formation The Salvation Army has been called to support and care for those in need using Williams Booth’s term ‘heart to God and hand to man’. The Salvation Army’s missional statement is to ‘Love God and love others’ and therefore there will be times when we are called to help and protect those in our care.

In this reflection, we will consider scriptural truths that help us understand how the Bible can speak into the lives of those who are living in and experiencing grief and loss, from the perspective of when someone we care for has died.

There are approximately 600,000 deaths every year in the UK, with an average of six million people experiencing bereavement. It does not matter the age of the person, nor the situation of the death when it comes to grief and loss – it hurts deeply, and most people long for comfort in what feels like the most uncertain time of life. This reflection considers what the Bible has to offer those who are grieving through words of comfort, whilst recognising the depth of despair we can feel when someone we love and care for has died.

If we believe that Jesus himself was ‘truly and properly God and truly and properly man’, as the fourth Salvation Army Doctrine states, then we have recognise that Jesus understood human grief and loss for himself. In John’s Gospel we read the story of Lazarus, Jesus’ friend, becoming sick and eventually dying. The sisters of Lazarus sent a message to Jesus with the words ‘Lord, the one you love is ill’ (John 11:3). What we encounter in that simple statement is an acknowledgement of the depth of love Jesus had for his friend, and the reality of sadness brought on by the illness and impending loss of a loved one.

This story continues with Jesus reminding the sisters, and those of us reading, that death is not the end and that we will all rise again in Glory. Jesus went on to perform a miracle bringing Lazarus back to life, but even Lazarus would not live for ever on this Earth. His earthly body would die again in later years, which is a reminder to us all that death, grief and loss are inevitable, but that what awaits, we believe, is far bigger and better than we could imagine.

In 2 Corinthians 4:17 is another reminder of this, saying that ‘our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all’.

Another Scripture verse of hope is found in 1 Peter 5:10: ‘And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.’

The story of Lazarus and the verses above remind us that grief and loss will come to us all; there is no escape, but there is hope. However, it is living through the grief and loss that we need to think deeply about. There will be many bereaved people within our corps/churches and communities – people who may be living in the early stages of grief and loss alongside people who have been on a journey of grief for many years.

Those who are bereaved could have faith questions that may be difficult to answer even if we are armed with every verse of Scripture about God’s love and Heaven. Some may ask ‘Does God even care?’, ‘Will my loved one be in Heaven?’, ‘What happens after we die?’, ‘Does contemplating suicide mean people go to hell?’ So many questions – and as we reflect upon Scripture we need to be aware that we do not want to ‘fix’ the bereaved with Scripture, despite how well meaning we may be.

Sadness is a human emotion that people are encouraged and allowed to sit with. Psalm 34:18 reminds us that ‘The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit’. This is an assurance that God is walking with those who experience grief and loss, but that God does not mend that broken heart in an instant. His arms of love are open for those who are crushed in spirit, but that does not mean that people will feel an instant relief from grief and loss. Grief is a process that God journeys through alongside his children. God does not stop the feelings of grief and loss, but provides the assurance that death is part of life, and that eternity is promised for those who believe.

The Five Stages of Grief

In 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the idea of what has now become popularly known as The Five Stages of Grief. Originally designed for someone with a terminal illness, this idea of different stages has been adopted by many writers and organisations such as Cruse who support bereaved people. If we were to examine these five stages (which Elisabeth Kübler-Ross says are non-linear and do not always progress in a certain order) in the light of biblical truths, it may be of comfort and support in the process of grief and loss. It may look something like this:

1. Denial: ‘My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.”’ (Psalm 55:4-6)

The disbelief of the bereaved person can be palpable. Death has taken a loved away from them physically and the feeling of wanting to flee the situation is normal. God understands the cries of a broken heart. 

2. Anger: ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ (Matthew 27:46)

Jesus himself questioned his position as he hung upon the cross. Perhaps a disbelief of the agony and pain brought Jesus to that point of questioning his Father. Grief and loss can bring anger to the surface of anyone, as the bereaved question a loving God about their hurt and loss. Yet God holds eternity in his hands and has promised never to leave us (Matthew 28:20).

3. Bargaining: ‘Father … everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’ (Mark 14:36)

Again we hear the words of Jesus pleading for the pain and suffering to be removed, – acknowledging God’s supremacy whilst acknowledging that God’s will prevails. Jesus understands the struggle and heaviness of life and the need to want a way out of what feels like an impossible situation. God understands the human heart and the human need for comfort.

4. Depression: ‘Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;… my soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? ... I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.’ (Psalm 6:1-3,6)

The Psalms are full of real people making real-life, heartfelt prayers in times of need. Depression causes persistent feelings of sadness and affects your feelings, thoughts and actions. For those who are bereaved, the comfort found in the Psalms can be a way of putting their own thoughts and feelings into words when they are unable to do so themselves. The Psalms are a reminder that God is big enough to be shouted at in despair and praised in the next breath.

5. Acceptance: ‘The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.’ (Exodus 14:14)

Finding acceptance for the grief and loss that is felt and a healing of a wounded heart can feel unattainable at times and acceptance can be hard to reach. However, these words remind us that whilst the bereaved may feel as though their battle is lost, they feel alone, isolated and overwhelmed with sadness, there is One who is fighting for them. In the stillness, God will work. God will continue to hold them through their grief and loss and there will be, somehow, a way forward.

The Bible never diminishes loss. Rather it points to the One, Jesus, who truly understands loss, who understands grief and offers words of comfort, strength and peace when bereavement of a loved one is all-consuming and feels too much to bear.

‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.’ (John 14:27)

Pastoral care is vitally important to those who are bereaved, and understanding the huge impact that the loss of a loved one can have upon a person must never be underestimated. Jesus himself came to walk with two disciples on the road to Emmaus after they had seen Jesus crucified in front of them. As he walked and talked with these disciples, Jesus did not pull them along nor did he push them to somewhere they did not want to go. Instead Jesus simply walked beside them, listening, caring and showing a level of pastoral care that we can learn much from. His gentle questions, with no other agenda, simply allowed them a moment to explore their feelings and emotions. This can be found in Luke 24:13-16.

Each year there are approximately 600,000 deaths in the UK leaving over six million people bereaved of loved ones. In our corps/churches and communities, there is a need to understand the importance of our pastoral care to bereaved people, and to accept that we are not going to ‘fix’ someone’s grief and loss, but we may be able to offer support and learn what might be helpful and also unhelpful at such a crucial time in someone’s life.

Sadly, people may say and do unhelpful things when others are experiencing grief and loss. Therefore, acknowledging that we may not always have all the answers is the first step to good pastoral care of the bereaved.  There are two specific helpful organisations which provide specialised training which we would recommend for leaders and pastoral carers:

• The Bereavement Friendly Church Training by Loss and Hope helps churches to understand grief and loss and move towards being more bereavement friendly for those living with grief, whether that has been ongoing for many years or a recent bereavement.

www.lossandhope.org/whats-on-offer/becoming-bereavement-friendly/

• Cruse Bereavement Support offers specialist training around general grief awareness, supporting those bereaved by suicide and supporting grieving children and families.

www.cruse.org.uk/organisations/training-for-individuals/

It is widely recognised that there are long waiting lists for grief and loss support groups, so you may be the one who bridges the gap and brings comfort and support in someone’s time of loss.

We need to acknowledge that someone living with bereavement may be more prone to mental health problems if they are unsupported in their grief, and for some this can lead to job loss, debt, addiction, relationship breakdowns and, sadly, suicide. Older people are not exempt from this. Each person, no matter their age, will deal with their grief and loss in different ways.

Bereavement support is an outreach missional opportunity. A saying of Maya Angelou is, ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’ If we can outstretch our hands to the bereaved and help them ‘feel’ loved, cared for, and seen by another person, this may have a profound impact on them and their grief and loss journey.

Those living in grief and loss may have questions about faith, and it may be a testing time of their faith if they have one. They may ask questions such as ‘Where has God gone?’, ‘Why didn’t God heal?’, ‘Who goes to Heaven?’, ‘Can we talk to those who have died?’, ‘Why has this happened to me?’, ‘Why did my loved one have to suffer for so long?’ and many more. It is at this point that the pastoral carer must be careful not to use Scripture to bypass these questions, however well meaning their intention. Accepting these questions are important to the person, and gently guiding and allowing the bereaved to ask these without the feeling of failure when we can’t answer them is part of being the listening ear in pastoral care.

The pastoral carer also needs to be aware of unhelpful expectations that the wider Church may unwittingly place on a Christian who is bereaved. This can include the expectation that a bereaved person should ‘cope well’ with death due to the promise of eternity. This promise does not remove the sadness of the loss of a loved one, although it may ease the pain somewhat. There can be an expectation to be ‘happy’ that their loved one has been ‘Promoted to Glory’ when the bereaved person actually feels completely lost and lonely. Coming to church for a bereaved person can feel like they are living in a fishbowl, with everyone ‘watching’ their personal emotions. It may be for some people that they can’t face their church family for some time, whereas others find it a comfort to be back in worship during grief and loss with their brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Remember that an older person’s death is no less significant than that of a younger person. Yes, there would be a hope that the life has been well lived, but that person may have had a profound impact on those around them and the loss may be felt in a huge way. So paying careful attention not to dismiss a death as ‘expected’ or ‘unsurprising’ because the person was older is significantly important.

All of this is a reminder that everyone deals with grief and loss differently, and this is no different for the bereaved who do not have a faith in Christ. For someone who does not profess faith, to hear that their loved one who did believe in Christ is safe in Heaven could be quite difficult for them. Exercising caution and concern, whilst at the same time carefully using the opportunity to speak of the person’s faith, needs to be done carefully and thoughtfully. Using language like ‘God is in control’ or ‘Our lives are in God’s perfect plan’ may be distressing for an unbeliever to hear. In fact, even for a bereaved Christian these kinds of words may also be very distressing, so every pastoral carer needs to be aware of language and exercise gentle and sensitive comfort in a time of grief and loss.

When someone has suffered a long, debilitating illness, the bereaved may have moments of difficult reflection. We need to remember that the hurt and sadness of watching a loved one suffer can have a profound effect on those living in grief and loss. Therefore, careful consideration of language such as ‘They are now at peace’ need to be used carefully. Yes, their loved one will be at peace, but the bereaved person may still struggle with the impact of that suffering and the effect this has on them. A considered and empathetic approach, and acknowledgement of this, needs to be exercised.

As followers of Jesus Christ, we have the promise of eternal life, but this does not diminish the grief and utter sadness someone may feel. It also does not take away from the fact that someone may be relieved that their loved one has died if there has been a prolonged illness or if personal circumstances have been difficult for a variety of reasons. Accepting that grief will look different for everyone, and that the process of grief again will be different for everyone, helps our pastoral care to be tailored accordingly to the person who is in need of support and care.

Be aware that the bereaved can feel very isolated and lonely even within the corps/church community. They may feel they have joined a group they never felt they would. They may feel that they are now seen differently, especially if they were part of a couple/family and now are learning to live life as a single person. If a person dies within the setting of a care home, the bereaved may have feelings of isolation if they can no longer visit the care home and are spending longer times alone and isolated. They may also grieve the interaction with staff and other residents. There are so many different scenarios, so being vigilant in looking and watching out for bereaved people and their personal circumstances may be a life-line for them.

For further information on Scriptures that link to what has been termed ‘The Five Stages of Grief’ (please see 'A Theological Reflection on Grief and Loss), remembering that these stages are non-linear and a person experiencing grief may experience all of these at different times in their grieving process.

At all times, consider what is right for the person who is living in bereavement. How can the corps/church and community show care and compassion that is right for them? You may even just have to be brave enough to ask the question. Don’t presume that someone wants all their meals cooked for a month, don’t presume they want to talk about the person who has died – and don’t presume that they don’t. Don’t presume that they have family and friends to talk to; instead ask gentle questions that will help the pastoral care they receive be the most helpful to them. In all things, bear with one another in love and compassion, with no judgement and no preconceived ideas of what might be best for another person. 

‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.’ (Ephesians 4:2)

For information on death and dying please visit ‘A Closer look at Death and Dying’ 

BOOKS

Coping with Grief and Loss by Louise Morse

Written within a Christian context, this booklet looks at the impact of grief and loss and explores key stepping stones to help the reader navigate the tricky waters of bereavement. 

Author Louise Morse says: ‘We have remedies for many of our ills, both physical and mental. We have pills for anxiety and depression, but nothing that really lessens grief. So, although everyone on earth will know grief at some time, most of us are ill equipped to deal with it. Grief is uniquely personal to each person, and we experience it in millions of different ways.

‘The aim of the booklet is to give an understanding of what grief is, how it affects us, and how we can live through it.’

www.pilgrimsfriend.org.uk/resources/coping-with-grief-and-loss

Grief Conversations by Gail Millar and Jill Phipps

A book written for all those living with loss and supporting others through loss. 

The authors recognise suffering and loss in a global pandemic and say: ‘It was with all these exceptional factors in mind that after the first wave of Covid we set about producing a resource for those hit by such profound losses. We hope Grief Conversations enables those bereaved through the pandemic – and whose pain is still raw despite the passage of time – to feel better supported, understood and that little bit less alone.’

www.annachaplaincy.org.uk/grief-conversations

Books Recommended by Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel

Psychologist Julia Samuel tells the stories of those who have experienced great grief and survived. Sections cover death of a parent, partner, sibling, child, and facing your own death. Her insights reveal how when grief is approached in the right way, healing can follow.

Thinking Out Loud: Love, Grief and Being Mum and Dadby Rio Ferdinand

When former England footballer Rio Ferdinand spoke out about his own grief following the death of his wife from cancer in 2015, it helped open up a national debate about grieving and encouraged other men to talk about their feelings of loss. In this book he openly and honestly shares about the hard journey he’s been on, along with his three children, and the support and advice that’s getting them through.

‘I didn’t even know how to work the washing machine. All I knew was that my kids needed me, and if I was going to help them, I was going to have to ask for help too … I was about to find out that the tools I had learned as a footballer were the last thing my children needed from their dad when tragedy struck.’

An Introduction to Coping with Grief by Sue Morris

A self-help book which includes questions and exercises to help manage your grief and track your progress. It outlines strategies based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which are clinically proven and can help you cope with grief and bereavement.

It’s OK that you’re not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine

In this book, Megan Devine argues that we need to move away from the idea that grief can be solved or cured, and that we need to learn how to build a life alongside grief instead. She writes from the perspective of a therapist as well as someone who lost her own partner in a tragic accident.

Grief Demystified: An introduction by Caroline Lloyd

A book written for those who support bereaved people, which will also be useful to anyone who wants to go into a bit more detail about theories of grief and grieving and learn how grief ‘works’. Chapters cover grieving styles, the interaction of grief and mental health, what to say to bereaved people and how to support them.

WEBSITES

Loss and HOPE is an ecumenical project of ‘At a Loss’ working closely with key partners to help churches support those bereaved – currently equipping churches across the UK to run The Bereavement Journey® to prevent mental ill health, isolation, and other negative outcomes – www.lossandhope.org

www.lossandhope.org/whats-on-offer/online-the-bereavement-journey-support

Since the pain of bereavement tends to become acute some while after the death, ‘a tsunami of grief’ is expected over forthcoming months, which there is not the capacity to deal with. There is urgent need for much more bereavement support. Without this, millions of bereaved people in our country will face mental health and other negative outcomes.

Loss and HOPE is encouraging churches of every denomination across the UK to reach out to their communities as quickly as possible with The Bereavement Journey. Visit the following links to find out more about how you can lead small groups through the Bereavement Journey to support your congregations and communities through grief and loss:

www.lossandhope.org/whats-on-offer/online-the-bereavement-journey-supportwww.lossandhope.org/church-leader-training/

Bereavement Friendly Church is recommended for all churches seeking to support those bereaved – including those running The Bereavement Journey course (online or face-to-face) – to enable those bereaved people they are in contact with to feel at home within the life of the church. This webinar is to help main church leaders / decision makers to consider their church’s accessibility to bereaved people.

The learning from this webinar can be applied to chaplaincy such as in care homes, prisons, hospitals and universities/colleges – The Grief Share Course is recommended by Care for the Family.

Grief Share is a DVD-based course which churches can purchase and run themselves. There are 13 sessions, and during each session the group watches and discusses a video seminar featuring top experts on grief and recovery subjects. These include living with and understanding grief, ways of finding comfort, how to help your family, and practical advice.

Grief Share is a Christian course and is American in origin. There are courses running internationally and, in the UK, most courses are run in Northern Ireland. Please see their website for further information: www.griefshare.org